Is alive, he supposes.

Hi. How's it going?

I was thinking about stuff to write today. I know that most of you are probably like "oh god I have to pretend I actually read this blog AGAIN to placate the crazy person" but...

...that sentence was supposed to go somewhere but it didn't.

Anyway, I was planning a paragraph or two about how physics math is different from math math (qualitatively, of course, because I don't know any real physics math) but then I thought "oh well they're going to come back and be like "yay something to entertain me for 10 minutes" and then see this glorp of stuff about physics (aGAIN) and say "oh well I guess I'm never come here again" and leave.

There would probably be a middle finger in there too. Somewhere.

Fine. If only to appease the little voice in my head that says "PHYSICS!! TALK ABOUT PHYSICS!! DO IT!!"

Today in my mathematical physics class, we learned the first new thing of the year...the last three weeks have been delving deeper into things we already knew. Which is good for a class where we have to have that stuff in the front of our brains constantly, but I sit there saying "I should know this" and I don't, then I feel stupid and I go careening into the Maw of Self-Doubt. Then we get to new stuff, and somehow new stuff works in my brain better or something because my neurons go into Sponge Mode and I take notes like a madman, staring at the space between the blackboard and infinity and absorbing the Knowledge of Generations and...

...I've been sidetracked again.

In any case. While we were talking, I noticed an interesting schism between Mathematical Proof and a physicist's version of a mathematical proof, which real mathematicians spit at (and curb stomp) and constantly make jokes about. A large part of this difference has to do with the fact that when a physicist proves something, they have only to check the numbers again to say "oh hey this theory works PERFECTLY!" and they're done. Mathematicians, who deal with things far more abstract than mere mortals physicists, have naught but the work of previous colleagues to fall back on.

So a physicist's proof goes like this: "Oh hey I wonder if I can do such-and-what a thing to this here equation doodlybob and make it come out the way I want!"

There are three outcomes:
- It works, numbers are checked, physicist wins Nobel Prize
- It works, but numbers disagree, physicist wipes tear from eye and moves on
- Things get progressively uglier and uglier, and then eventually the physicist exhausts his all his knowledge and in a fit of desperation releases his idea into the world to see if anyone else can get it to go anywhere.

There is a fourth possibility of letting a mathematician try his hand at it, but that usually ends in the fetal position clutching a crumpled paper with "YOU SUCK" scrawled across it in red Sharpie.

Mathematicians have it the hard way: since they don't have the luxury of looking out the window and saying "Oh, I guess five dimensional vector spaces CAN be made into an orthonormal set of bases!" (Note to mathematicians reading this: I know that made no sense. Ssh.) They have to step very carefully, knowing that if they try to make even one assertion that is not already firmly grounded in Mathematical Canon their entire paper will be rejected.

An analogy: math is to the Pyramids of Giza what physics is to a straw sculpture held together by chewed gum, shoe polish (you don't want to know how that works), and barely-concealed prayer. But they do both stand. Plus if one of the basic tenets of physics turns out to be wrong, it's easy to just fashion a new piece and shove it in there to hold the whole business up. In math I suspect that wouldn't be very easy.

Of course you won't catch a mathematician admitting that a piece of their Shiny Math Castle is anything less than perfect.

Also mathematicians don't have the large hadron collider. So there's that.

More (less depressing) thoughts

First off, thank you all for all of your thoughts over the last few days. I've been significantly less...emotionally problematic over the past few days with school and stuff to distract me, but god only knows what state I'll be in at the memorial on Saturday morning. Blah.

In any case, here are some unrelated thinkings that have come up over the past day or so:

1) This one's directed towards Deb but it's not like nobody else can read it XD. So I don't know if you are knowledgeable in this particular department but would you know if I could make this like a full-time job during the summer? Or something? That would be really cool since (a) 90% of my hatred of summer comes from not having anything to do and (b) I really enjoy that job. I just don't know if I have enough work to be able to make it into a full-time thing, or if I could become like a lab assistant or something without having biology classes and stuff. So yeah.

2) New jacket! I should note that generally I don't care about what I'm wearing as long as I don't look stupid (well, more stupid than usual) and I am actually wearing clothes, but since it's been getting warmer my regular sweatshirt was becoming an oven. So this is a lightweight basketball jacket thing that has the perfect balance of breathing-ness and warm-keeping-in-ness so I am most happy. On an aside, I am rather amused by the fact that since this is a jacket built for long-limbed basketball players, a small is still just large enough for me to pull my hands into the sleeves. It's awesome.

Also I should give credit to my mom for saving me from having to decide on buying this myself since she is a very skillful text-message-clothes-buying-helper. (Today's theme is long hyphenated words!) I don't know if I've discussed this before but I *cannot* make decisions by myself regarding pretty much anything, so in a fit of desperation I sent a picture of the jacket to my mom asking if she approved.

I am such a bad college student. XD

Anyway, onward to the next enumerated point!

3) Is going to be a longer dissertation, so I am starting it on its own line.

Have you ever tried to imagine what it would be like to be someone else? I.e., not something like "Waah, if I was that person I would be so much happier whine gripe" but more literally - the other day I was on the shuttle to work and I randomly (this happens when you have a silly brain like mine) wondered what it would be like to be the driver - how it would look to be sitting where he was, the feel of the steering wheel, the chair, the pedals against his feet, air from the window. That stuff. Down to what the hat he was wearing would feel like on my head.

I don't think I've mentioned today that I'm weird.

Well, I'm weird.

Then I moved on to the homeless dude that was panhandling outside the window. Tried to imagine the feel of the dirty cardboard sign, gloves without fingers, all of the clothes, what it would be like to have a beard, the weight of the realization that I wouldn't have a real shelter to return to.

Speaking of which, I never really took the whole "weight of the world is on your shoulders" thing seriously until the other day. Have you ever had all of these obligations to attend to - emails to reply to, people to talk to, assignments to do, food to get, things to figure out - that it literally feels like all of the stuff is sitting on your shoulders weighing you down? Personally it feels like there's a big weight attached to my head and two on my shoulders. It's quite exhausting.

Another semirelated tangent: I used to do this a lot more when I was younger, but it seems related to the current conversation so here goes. I used to be lying bed, waiting to go to sleep, and then suddenly start imagining that the bed was slowly spinning until it was floating upside down and I was being held up against it by some kind of weird reverse gravity thing. (Note: Physics says no. Just saying.) It wasn't one of those things where you jerk awake because you fall down stairs or something as you're falling asleep, but I just kept my eyes closed and tried to visualize opening my eyes and seeing the ground behind me, thinking I should be falling down but instead I'm being held up.

Also I'm really, really weird.

EDIT: Hey I forgot something! So I've been taking a computer programming class, which reminded me how much I really like programming. I think it has something to do with how programmers think. It clicks well in my funky brain. In any case, I had about an hour-long identity crisis because I was worried I was suddenly more interested in programming than physics, which would mean I had to upend my entire schedule which is already precarious enough, probably sell my soul to whatever evil deity wants it...it would all be far too complicated. But then I thought about the respective career paths...I suppose it might be a stereotype that programmers spend their lives in front of a computer, but while I do enjoy programming I don't think I would like to make a career out of it. Physics research, on the other hand, will always be exciting. Identity crisis averted. New hobby found?

…

I am currently sitting on the deck at my grandparents' house. I'll probably be here (though not necessarily on the deck) all night, as we are all here in preparation for my grandma to not be here tomorrow. This is the first time I've experienced the death of someone I've spent a lot of time with over my life...I was sad when my mom's dad died because I wished I could have gotten to know him better, but this is altogether different.

Over the past week or so this whole thing has gotten me to thinking about stuff, especially the question that everyone comes to in situations such as this: what happens to the ME part of me when I die? The brain stops sparking, the heart stops pumping...some people think that that's it but I don't like thinking about it that way, partly because it just seems disconnected. Other people say that we go on to some other life, but I want to hold off on putting my eggs into that basket for now.

I was thinking earlier about the whole "I'll always be in your heart after I die!" thing. At first I had dismissed it as a dumb movie cliche, but I have been considering whether that actually might have merit as a way to think about death. Who is my grandma? To me, all I know about her is from spending time with her. Observations like how she cooks, how she walks, or how she drives, as well as emotional bits that go along with those memories. That is who she is. To someone else, she is a different, though similar, person since none of them could have the same memories I have. Death isn't just a machine that stops working, nor is it a transition to some different life, since that's just us trying to impose our own sense of consciousness on the people we love.

That's also a question I've been thinking about. How do I know that other people aren't just figments of my imagination? When I look into someone's eyes, is that a separate person or just a reflection of myself? If I believe that other people are alive in the same way I am, I'm making a leap of faith in the same way that other people might take certain events as proof of the existence of God. Right now it looks like quantum mechanics could explain goings-on in the brain and the phenomenon of consciousness, and I would take that as pretty good proof that other people are truly other people, since they have their own quantum brain thing going on in their skull. So for now I think it's safe to go along with that assumption.

But putting that aside, when you get down to thinking about who a person <i>is</i>, all we have to fall back on is our own experience. My grandma is the collection of memories that originated from photons hitting my eyes and the various other sense mechanisms, coupled with all sorts of emotions, who has occupied a large portion of the 19 years I've been around to have memories. I am sad because I wish she could have continued being a part of my life for much longer. People personify death and call it things like the grim reaper or cancer, but that's just because they want something to blame for taking their loved ones away and all that accomplishes is anger. I suppose the best way of honoring someone who died is to recognize the impact they had and not let it go to waste.

PS

In order for you all to keep up your tallies, here's the entire list of Alcoholic Beverages Consumed in Canada:

DAY ONE
-2 Rye Whiskey & Ginger Ales
-a big B-52 coffee (Kahlua, vodka, coffee)
-a White Russian (Kahlua, Vodka, and a dash of cream)
-a screwdriver (OJ and vodka)
-a Kahlua and cream
-another screwdriver

DAY TWO
-a B-52 coffee
-three Captain and Colas (one single and one double) (Captain Morgan rum and coke)
-two Malibu Rum and cokes
-A screwdriver
-maybe another Malibu rum and coke (the world may never know)
-Another screwdriver
-...or was that one the one with cranberry?
-Probably another drink somewhere in here
-...or two
(seven hours later)
-the contents of my stomach from the previous day

So yeah. It was an awesome trip. And I didn't even have to spend half of each day recovering from terrible hangovers! I did eventually get a lesson in mediation in the form of yesterday's food though. The trip was not entirely devoid of life lessons. XD

Back in Amerricka!

Yeah. I think that since I'm sure you're all absolutely dying to know what happened the second day we were up there, I will just relate that.

We got up at 10ish after going to sleep at 3am (discovered that consciousness is inversely proportional to the amount of alcohol one has consumed) and had Aebleskiver (do you notice that the r at the end in Danish makes it plural? That way we don't have to say "Aebleskivers" because we're from DENMARK not KENTUCKY. *glares at his mother*) (But I love you anyway)

Speaking of loving my mother, I should relate all of the terrible genetic issues she gave me sometime. But that's for later.

Anyway, we went running around Vancouver while I grew continually more uncomfortable with all of the scary people staring at me and wanting to eat my flesh. It was unnerving. And then SOME PEOPLE were taking pictures of them, so they would just mug us for the camera and then devour our flesh. The world would find the memory card in that camera one day and see our last minutes fighting off a gang of STD vessels with a bag of Wavy Lays chips. It would be on the news. (In America, though, cuz I'm sure this kind of thing happens on Hastings all the time. It'd be old hat for Canadians.) (Not that I think Canada is a bad place. We have Idaho. *ZING.*)

So then we went into an Irish pub, which reminded me so much of actually being in Ireland last spring break it was scary. It even smelled the same which freaked me out a little but sure. I wasn't feeling hungry, so I just ate half of my mom's Irish nachos (I'm sure that name is ironic somehow since some British person somewhere inevitably things of Ireland as the UK's Mexico...) while sipping on another B-52 coffee, a Captain and Coke, and then a Double Captain and Coke since the first one wasn't strong enough (tee hee). Note that we hadn't even gotten out of the afternoon yet.

So then we went home, stopping at the liquor store on the way so my mom could get us a bottle of Skyy vodka (not a small one like we got last time. This one was a liter (litre?) bottle. Heck yes.

Upon making it home, I promptly proceeded to consume two Malibu Rum and Cokes, while Elliott had some evil concoction of Malibu, Rockstar energy drink, and vodka all in one thing. Ugh. (Sorry Elliott but that was just a little too unique for me XD)

Then dinner arrived in the form of the KFC delivery van. (Or, in French Canada, PFK or something. Oh French Canada.) While eating dinner, I had two screwdrivers and then a cranberry screwdriver (I'm sure it has a real name but I can't recall it right now) and then suddenly the vodka was gone.

Elliott and I made it through an entire liter of vodka.

At this point I knew my morning was in jeopardy so I started downing water like...a... *culturally insensitive metaphor here*

In any case, Elliott and I went for a walk again and then we got home and then we were there for a while (I started playing music really loud on my computer (sorry Cindy D:) and then I went to sit on the couch and talked to Demery about consciousness and then suddenly everyone was gone and I was in my sleeping bag. It was fancy.) and then we were asleep! It's really quite miraculous how easy it is to fall asleep when really really drunk.

I woke up to a dilemma. I was ridiculously thirsty, but I had that feeling in my stomach that said if I flexed even one muscle my esophagus would start running in reverse and there would be Much Unpleasantness. So I got up, quickly got water, and then walked to the bathroom before my brain knew what was happening. At this point I somehow decided that that would be a good time to use the bathroom, so while I was so occupied my mouth got all dry and my intestines started to lurch unnaturally and I prayed my mom's Child Vomit senses wouldn't start tingling because the following few moments would see me in a very awkward position.

After that episode was over, I washed out my mouth, drank some more (WATER, not alcohol. I'm not that stupid when I'm drunk. XD) and crawled back into the sleeping bag hoping that I would forget the last several minutes. Half an hour I got up again, puked again, decided that all of my food since I was six had been cleared from my digestive tract, cleaned out the contents of my gall bladder for good measure, then drank some more water and got to bed again before I could get a migraine (does that happen to anyone else? I get bad headaches after puking. As if the puking wasn't bad enough.)

When I woke up later, I did have a headache but I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as it would have been if I was not Responsibly Rehydrating for most of the night after inebriating myself. (And the fact that I have a Danish liver. Danes get buried in solid lead coffins so that our livers don't irradiate the countryside.) So I drank more water, had some coffee (ssh coffee isn't also a diuretic you're lying), went driving around to Tim Horton's (I am sorry my Canadian friends, they simply do not stand up to American greasy donuts. American fast food has elevated greasy food to an art form...everything else is just a pale imitation.) and then to Starbucks for more coffee and a bacon english muffin sandwich (like McDonalds except without the self-hatred) which made my stomach incredibly happy after the hell it had been through earlier that morning (the puking, not the Tim Horton's. TH was good, just...not Krispy Kreme.)

On the way over the border, Elliott and I got out and walked around while the car was stuck in line. We considered just running for it, and then tried to decide how long it would take for Border Patrol to shoot us. We stopped considering running.

Then we got over, and stopped at McDonalds for lunch. I didn't order anything because my stomach still felt like it was in a delicate state, but that didn't stop me from eating all of my mom's fries, taking a huge bite out of her barbecue angus burger (that one burger has 750 calories, and the meal is almost 1500. I got the meal version today after work because I was that starving and I have not been tempted to eat or drink anything except water since. Ugh.) and I finished the last three bites of Elliott's because he was done with it.

Then I laid back to listen to my music till we got home, getting ready for the two hour trip, and then I opened my eyes and we were home.

I really, really love how fast time goes while one is sleeping. They should pass out complimentary sleep meds on trains, cross country buses, and planes. It would make being a flight attendant a lot easier.

Ssh I know that's a horrible idea.

So yeah. Went home with the headache still pounding on me, went to sleep, woke up an hour later to find my headache had gone (I LOVE SLEEP SO MUCH IT CURES EVERYTHING) and my siblings had returned to my mom's house. Then I went to my dad's house (not just to escape my siblings, promise) so that I could borrow his car to get to work this week.

Now I am home, considering how long it will take for me to run out of calories from that terrible (but so, so tasty) McDonalds meal I had today (I WAS DESPERATE AND STARVING otherwise I wouldn't subject my arteries to that horrendous beating. Promise.). I could probably live on water for the next week and not be hungry.

But then again I wouldn't get to eat cereal in the morning.

I lurve breakfast.

Bye!

HI THERE part deux

So I forgot to relate one of my adventures.

Just a few fives of minutes ago, Elliott, Teejay, and I went on walkies down to seven eleven (they have those here in canada!). So we were walking and then we were at an intersection so Elliott turned around to hit the walk button but I kept going and ran into him and then I was like "hmm" while I fell onto my butt.

It was exciting.

The two people sitting on the bench near us found this very amusing. I'm sure I would have if it wasn't me being very confused as to why I was suddenly on the ground. But seeing as that WAS me I was...confused. Yeah.

Um...that's my story. We got pizza and a vitamin water and then came back here to Cindy's house which is where I'm writing this from. Yup.

...yup. :D

HI THERE

I'm in Canada right now and I have to say I am pretty darn tipsy right now.

My brain feels funky. Tee hee.

In any case, I suppose I should relate my adventures.

We came up here, and then went to dinner at the White Spot (tee hee) where I had a rye whiskey and ginger ale (TASTY) and a B-52 coffee (RIDICULOUSLY TASTY) I suppose I should list the things I've had so far.

1) Rye & Ginger Ale (x2)
2) B-52 Coffee (Whiskey, Kahlua, and coffee) (x1.5)
3) White Russian (Kahlua + Vodka + cream)

I just realized that I used "right now" at the end of both clauses of the first sentence. Yay grammar.

4) Screwdriver (Vodka + orange juice)
5) Kahlua and cream
6) Another screwdriver

So yeah. I've had a bit of drinkies. I am drinking water though so I won't wake up hating my consciousness. Please.

Um...so yeah. I'm going to stop typing before I use a racial slur or something. That would be unfortunate.

BOOZE!

So yeah. This is just the first day. I still have tomorrow night to have whatever I order at dinner plus a bottle of Malibu Rum that I bought to day. Er, today. Silly spacebar.

Um........tee hee. It's fun. I still haven't puked though, which is lovely.

Oh my god he's ALIVE??

Why yes, yes I am! Note that I should be writing a five page paper for English which is due tomorrow, but instead I will wait because, after all, rationalizing procrastination is one of my favorite pastimes. Here's the current list of reasons for procrastinating:

1) My other main essay did pretty well so I don't even really have to turn this one in except for participation points (even though we all know that I will anyway because if I'm anything I am a WHORE of points]

2) Five pages will take me...three hours to crack out if I actually put my nose to the grinding...board [completely forgot how that euphemism is supposed to go] plus an extra two hours for getting distracted by the internet along the way, which means that I don't actually have to start until 8 to get my required 7 hours of sleep

3) I hate my English class and the instructor [there are so many students in that class that UW doesn't have enough professors to provide for us all, so we get graduate student TAs] so much that I really couldn't care less [even though we all know that's a lie]

3 - addendum) My English instructor tells us to put "evidences" in our paper and is infuriatingly grammatically challenged. I have been trying not to actually let any of the writing methods she talks about in class get ingrained in my brain.

4) There are better uses of my time. Like Flash games on the internet. Or minesweeper.


SO ANYWAY, I suppose I should relate some of my most recent happenings, seeing as that's what a blog is for. Or something.

1) I am apparently in a mood for enumerations today so please just kind of go along with all of the random lists >.>

2) I got a job! I am a Student Helper at Harborview where I help stain slides, cover slip those slides [which I am a MASTER at!], and do everything that a non-biology-student could do at such a place. So far I am enjoying it very much and am extremely grateful that I could get such an awesome first job (thank you Deb!!)

3) Hmm, I had something else but I can't remember it. It'll come around.

4) Oh yeah! My summer project will be to build myself a computer from scratch (well, I won't be building my own motherboard and stuff but shush. That's besides the point) because...

a) It will be AMAZING with full HD graphics and [blah blah blah] so that I can play my various games at FULL POWER and revel in the awesomeness

b) It gives me something to do in the summer which I never liked anyway...at UW it's even longer than it used to be, and since I never lived within walking distance of people and my parents hated me too much (hi there lady) to drive me places I had NOTHING TO DO over the summer except "play outside" and "get exercise" and "learn how to spell exercise" (honestly I just had to try five times to spell it right so that the browser would stop underlining it like "ha ha you're stupid you can't spell." It is the worst word in the world for me)

c) I won't have to make you read run on sentences (did your brain explode trying to read the last section?)

d) I want to, and will have money since I have a job! *dance*

5) I have to figure out how to fix my schedule by tomorrow so that I can graduate in four years because the philosophy class I was going to take ended up being RIGHT in the middle of my math class of which there is only one so I can't just move it...now I need somewhere to get writing credit that ISN'T ENGLISH sigh. With a physics major / math and philosophy minor a lot of my schedule is relatively (ha ha like relativity. Puns.) set in stone so this causes a bunch of stuff to fall apart and makes me very frustrated. And makes me write even worse run on sentences (sorry). Blargh.

Righto, I need to do something productive. You know how these things are...one minute you're writing on a blog and the next you're reading about the Vargas regime in Brazil on Wikipedia and simultaneously playing "Sushi Cat" on Armor Games. The internet is like that.

Hooray I’m alive!

Don’t fret, all ye five people who read this blog, for I have just not been in a writing mood lately. So now I shall relate the important happenings of the last week (or two…) in reverse-random-sequential order [in reverse order to what it would be if I had just done them randomly]!

I have completed two finals, first in math [this one was graded the day after we took the test, and my grade for the whole course was a 3.8 :D] and this morning in physics [which I think I did well on, but last time I thought that, I got a 78% so I am skeptical. HOWEVER, average grade on exams has been around 65%…my professor HEAVILY curves grades.] Today at 2:30 is my logic final, which I am studying for by playing minesweeper.

Last week the physics theory that I had been working on finally produced some results, and aligned correctly with the currently accepted theory. Which indicates that my idea works with classical physics, and I know it works with relativity, and I have an idea of how to make it work for quantum mechanics but that would require fancier math tools than I currently have in my Utility Belt of Nerdiness so it will have to wait. My professor is currently perusing the wee little paper I wrote up on it, but I won’t see her again until winter quarter so I will also have to wait for her to tell me what I did wrong [I am extremely suspicious of my work. Ssh.]

Other things…I’m housesitting for my dad while he’s gone to Arizona visiting his lady friend [SIGH] but I will visit my madre and have a couple friends over at various times to keep me company so that I don’t start talking to the animals like a certain other person I could mention [points in the general direction of where my mom is right now].

Oh, also my sister’s stupid car broke down in the middle of Bellevue Way right outside the Bellevue Square Mall in Christmas season traffic, so we got to push it off the road where it took up half of the exit lane from a parking lot while we waited for a tow truck [yes, that was all one sentence, but I don’t have to subscribe to the stupid Six Traits writing system anymore. Go away]. There wasn’t enough room in the truck for all of us, so my brother and sister went home with Kelly and I rode with the tow driver so he could take the car home. It was cold. But the tow truck driver was very nice [very, very Santa-like] so that was fun.

UMMMMM oh, so regarding the little outburst of several posts ago, I should warn you that I get mad when I can’t figure something out. Which isn’t to say I get mad when something takes a long time to figure out, because those problems are usually the most fun, but I mean like I can’t even picture the situation in my brain let alone smack some numbers together and drawing blanks like that frustrates me. So if that ever happens again just roll your eyes and ignore everything I say because I don’t intend to belittle a particular field of study, I’m just taking out my frustration with myself on the stuff I don’t understand. I’m silly that way.

RIGHTO, I believe I have some minesweeper to study. Yay!